Setting better boundaries
HERE’S WHY SETTING BETTER BOUNDARIES IS A NON-NEGOTIABLE.
Ever since working remotely became ubiquitous during the pandemic, any hope of a work/life balance and healthy boundaries has gone right out the window. For many of us, the 9-5 workday feels like a thing of the past, and while the transition to a home office setting, at first, may have felt like an all-access hall pass to greater freedom and workplace autonomy, it wasn’t long before we felt the intrusions into our private lives, increasing feelings of isolation and a longing for that office camaraderie. Further eroding the office morale, many international companies began to merge their overseas divisions into one “efficient” virtual work model, and soon employees everywhere were working unconventional hours to accommodate the multiple deadlines and time zones. Suffice it to say that our global market is now a lot less 9-5 and a lot more 24/7.
NAME YOUR LIFE VALUES AND THEN LEARN THE WORD “NO”
Whether you think you have healthy boundaries or not, the first step we take with every client at Upways Coaching is a personal values assessment. We name your core life priorities, find out which ones need some TLC, and which are getting more than they need?
With this key information, we create your Life Values Pie or Life Wheel (see example) – where every slice is a core life priority that supports a balanced wheel - and this becomes the foundation for our boundary-setting work.
As we covered in a previous blog (see The powerful word NO — Upways) learning to say NO can feel awkward and the “right” ways take some practice. But if you’re serious about getting healthier boundaries in place – and maintaining the ones that align with your core life values, think of NO as the word that protects you. Learning to say NO firmly and kindly when it’s necessary is a non-negotiable.
To lessen the stress, we’ve come up with a few helpful questions to help you prepare for the NO, and several kind but firm ways you can say it.
How to know when it’s a NO…
Does this request align with and is it relevant to my core life values?
Will saying YES to this request steal energy, focus, or time from other greater priorities this week? Possibly time I don’t have to give?
What do I gain from saying yes to this? Is the ROI worth my time?
Will this YES jeopardize the quality of my current commitments?
Polite but firm ways to say it….
The respectful decline: “I’m really flattered you thought of me, but my schedule is full this week, so I’ll need to respectfully decline. Thank you for thinking of me.”
The repeat reply (for those who didn’t hear you the first time) – “I can appreciate that this is important to you, but unfortunately, as I said, I need to say no this time. I appreciate you thinking of me.”
The sandwich no (Positive. No thank you. Positive/Encouraging)- “I really appreciate you including me, but I won’t be able to make it this time. I look forward to reconnecting when things slow down for me.”
The “no reason” no: Good news! You never have to justify your no. You can decline and keep your reasons to yourself. “I need to decline. Thank you for thinking of me.”
As you practice your boundary-setting and start protecting the vital slices of your Life Pie, remember some boundaries don’t have to be permanent. The NO you put into place today doesn’t always mean a “never”. Some NO’s can be a “not now”.
The “not now” no: “This is a short-term but important commitment for me. I look forward to making plans with you when my schedule opens again. Thanks for your understanding.”
HOLD YOUR BOUNDARIES! THE WORLD WILL KEEP SPINNING.
Bruce Tulgan of the Harvard Business Review says that now more than ever our professional success and personal well-being depends on how well we manage our NO’s. “You can’t say yes to everyone and everything and hope to do all of it well,” Tulgan says. “A well-placed NO can protect you.”
Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others is the truest form of self-compassion, and real self-care means getting grounded in your values and aligning your weekly schedule with these core life priorities. Setting boundaries says your time is valuable to you, and you respect others enough to prioritize it thoughtfully.
In her article, The Hard Truth about Boundaries and Self Care, Forbes reporter Hanna Hart agrees there is a cost we pay when we set firm boundaries, but the cost is far greater when we don’t. We should expect to disappoint a colleague or two, and feel guilty when a loved one says we’ve let them down. These things are going to happen. But like it or not, Hart says if we can learn to be patient, remain calm, and give others some space to adjust to your new healthy habit, you’ll soon realize that the payoffs in your personal wellness are well worth the initial cost of discomfort or guilt.
There are obviously many instances, career positions and situations where exerting an ideal personal boundary will not be feasibly possible. But keep in mind no matter what type of work you do, or temporary situation you find yourself in, you can still be creative and find the smallest ways to pause and take care of yourself. Five-minute meditation cycles and breathing exercises; letting your phone and text messages go unanswered for ten minutes. Taking a 10-minute catnap; or even walking to your car in the parking lot and closing the door for a few minutes of utter silence.
So whatever you do for a living and whatever that environment is like – Hart encourages us to remember we are compromising a better quality of life and self-wellness the longer we go without establishing and maintaining at least a few healthy boundaries in our lives.
“Setting boundaries says your time is valuable to you, and you respect others enough to prioritize it thoughtfully.”
